


what's your number?

by frnndtorres



Category: Football RPF
Genre: #sponse, AU, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Crack, Crack, Funny, Götzeus, M/M, Weddings, and this came out, go watch it, i saw that movie What's Your Number?, like seriously just popped out of nowhere, marco's collin, mario's ally, mats and beni are daisy and eddie, of course, the best movie of all time, the one with anna faris and chris evans, umm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-06
Updated: 2016-08-09
Packaged: 2018-07-21 21:19:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7405225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/frnndtorres/pseuds/frnndtorres
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"<em>THE AVERAGE NUMBER OF LOVERS MEN HAVE IN THEIR LIFETIME IS 20.5.</em>"</p><p>or</p><p>the one were Mario can't go over 25 and he's currently at 24- oh wait.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. "20.5? Holy shit!"

**Author's Note:**

> Alright, so as I said before on the tags, this is slightly based on the movie _What's Your Number?_ with Anna Faris and Chris Evans. The _best_ movie ever, you should totally go watch it if you haven't, but is not necessary to understand the fic or anything. Some parts and dialogs are actually the _same_ as the movie, so there's that.
> 
> Now, enjoy.
> 
> And thank you for reading!

“ _Fired? What do you mean-_ ”

“I mean fired, Mats. Like when you’re fired? Like that. They fired me. I’m without a job. Jobless. Again.” Mario cringed just hearing the words tumble out of his mouth, could his life get _any_ worse?

“ _Well… I mean, this is an opportunity, right? Now you can… go and… put yourself out there! And… you know._ ”

“No, Mats, I actually _don’t_ know what the hell I’m supposed to do now, because I just moved to this expensive new condo but- oh wait right! I don’t have a _freaking_ job. I guess I’ll just have to get a pimp and you know _put myself out there_.” Mario quickly looked around the metro and glared at the old lady that was giving him the stink eye beside him. What? It wasn’t he’s top-of-the-list job but a boy’s gotta eat.

“ _Oh Mar, you are_ the _most exaggerated person I know_ ,” Mats chuckled fondly at his best friend’s antics. The boy did always have a flair for the dramatic.

“Shut the fuck up, Mats, you love me. I’m your best man.”

He heard a grumble beside him and turned to look at the old lady, pulling his best bitchface he mumbled a _what_ to which she gasped and placed a hand over her heart. Mario only rolled his eyes and brought his attention back to the conversation with Mats.

“ _I do, surprisingly. Anyways, Benni needs me so I gotta call you back, but don’t worry, okay? We’ll figure it out._ ”

Mario sighed, “Yeah, I guess, whatever. Now go please your man.”

“ _That I’ll do. Love you, Mari._ ”

“Yeah, yeah. Love you too.”

He hung up and looked down at his phone, frowning at his reflection because _what_ happened to his hair? God. He grimaced and pressed the home button, waiting for it to get his fingerprint before opening Snapchat and going through his friends’ stories.

‘ _E_ _rik! What the- get the fuck- GET OUT! I’m showering you ass!_ ’

Mario snorted and shook his head; he swore Erik’s kink was embarrassing his boyfriend.

André’s story was some shitty landscape and Mario wasn’t impressed at all, muttering a low “get at life, Shürrle” before getting out of the app and checking his mail.

_From: Mom – Great hairstyles for men!_

“Yeah mom, I _know_ you hate my hair but guess what? I don’t and it’s mine, so deal with it. _God_.”

“Today’s youth…” he heard the old lady mutter under his breath and groaned loudly.

“Jesus fuck lady! Don’t you have anything else to do? I don’t know, a sweater to knit? A scarf?” The lady didn’t say anything but managed to look like someone had just murdered one of her 45 cats and Mario simply rolled his eyes before turning back to his phone.

He deleted his mom’s mail and made a mental note to have a serious conversation with her before moving on to the next mail.

_From: Cosmopolitan – What’s your number?_

(If you _dare_ say _anything_ about his Cosmo subscription…)

He shrugged and started reading the article. _What?_ He didn’t have anything else to do, don’t you remember? He doesn’t have a job.

**WHAT’S YOUR NUMBER?**

**THE AVERAGE NUMBER OF LOVERS MEN HAVE IN THEIR LIFETIME IS 20.5.**

**How many women have you slept with? Too many? Too few? What does your number say about you?**

“20.5? Holy shit!”

He heard the lady muttering something (probably a prayer) beside him (again) and turned to her, pressing the cellphone against her face.

“I’m sorry, lady! It just says here, the average number of lovers men have in their lifetime is 20.5!” He looked at her with an incredulous look on his face while she scanned over the article.

“Yeah, it seems really high, young man.”

“High? No, that’s low! 20.5 is low!”

The lady, for the umpteenth time that day, glared at him and stock her nose in the air (like a dog, he might add), and he just huffed. I mean, 20.5 _is_ pretty low, right? _Fuck_. He opened the Notes app and- yes, he started writing up a list of all the men he slept with- which, really, weren’t _that_ many (he hoped).

“Alright, let’s see… there’s Robert- _fuck_ was he hot. Um… Xabi- too rough and didn’t like the scruff marks that much… uh… Manu! Yeah, gentle giant. David, yeah, I… don’t remember the _sex_ but I _do_ remember him, surprisingly-”

His train of thought was (rudely) interrupted when the lady decided to invade his personal space to look over his shoulder.

“Young man, you’ve had all those boyfriends?”

Mario snorted, “ _Ha_. No ma’am, I’ve had _sex_ with all these guys.”

But he didn’t have to look to his side to see the _horrified_ look on the lady’s face.

 

x

 

“Mari!” Benni smiled brightly at him, squishing him in a rib-breaking hug as soon as he was at arms reach. Mario hugged him back, burring his face in the older, much taller man’s neck and smiled. “So glad you could make it.”

He pulled back and raised an eyebrow, “I’m… your best man. You can’t possibly be _surprised_ that I made it. Like, I mean,” he finished his sentence by waiving his hands around.

Benni just chuckled, “Yeah, yeah. Oh hey, Mats’s upstairs having one of his breakdowns and he told me to send you up as soon as I “laid eyes upon you” so,” he motioned the stairs with his thumb and gave him an apologetic smile. “Oh, and your cousin Thiago’s here!”

Mario, who was already climbing the stairs, _almost_ fell down but didn’t turn around as he got his phone out of his pocket and added Thiago’s name to the list while yelling out a reply, “Step cousin! He’s a step cousin we’re not even really related!”

_Damn it, Mario. Why you gotta be such a whore?_

He shook his head and opened the door to Mat’s and Benni’s room.

“Helloooo,” he greeted Mats who was sorting his hair out in front of the mirror, and when he didn’t get hello back immediately he punched him in the shoulder.

“Say something back, you asshole. Your favorite person in the world is here,” he huffed like the six-year-old he really and truly was.

“Yes, he is indeed, downstairs greeting our guests and probably bitching about my supposed seizures.”

Mario chuckled and took a sit in the couch by the window.

“I recall he called it a metal breakdown, but really seizure seems more appropriate for it,” he waited for his friend’s reaction before grinning widely, “and _there’s_ the legendary bitchface everyone knows you for!”

Mats scoffed and took a seat in the bed across from him, putting on his shoes.

“Why did I chose you as my best man again?”

Mario shrugged while sipping from a glass of campaign.

“No idea, man. Probably cause I give the best speeches out of all our friends.”

“Yes!” Mats clicked his fingers, “it was totally that.”

They both laughed for a while before Mario spoke again, “Hey, remember that guy I used to date in high school-”

“Which one Mar? You’re gonna have to be more specific.”

“Shut up, you didn’t let me finish. The one who did magic or something.”

“Oh Julian!”

Mario looked at Mats horrified, opening and closing his mouth like a fish.

“No! I didn’t- I didn’t fuck Erik’s boyfriend! What are you- where’d you get that from?!”

“Calm down, I’m not talking about _Erik’s_ Julian – god help us all if someone lays a hand on his precious boyfriend. I’m talking about Julian Weigl- was it Weigl? I think so. Maybe.”

“Oh, right! Thanks,” he said while already typing down the name.

“What are you doing?” Mats narrowed his eyes at him.

Mario looked up and hid his phone behind his back, giving his friend his best innocent smile.

“Nothing.”

“Nothing?”

“At all.”

They had a staring contest for a few more minutes before Mats gave in and sighed, “Alright then, I’m gonna head down before _Benni_ has a seizure, be sure to be down in a few as well cause you’re supposed to give one of your fabulous speeches.”

“Yeah, sure, no prob,” he waved his hand around in a dismissive manner.

Mats could only roll his eyes and smile fondly at this being he called best friend before walking downstairs.

Meanwhile, Mario was busy counting the names of all the guys he had fucked. (Or been fucked by, more accurately, because he was the bottom of bottoms).

“…twenty-two, twenty-three, twenty- _four_. _Holy fuck_. I _am_ a whore after all,” he said while grabbing the bottle of champagne.

 

x

 

Mario wasn’t drunk.

Nope, he wasn’t drunk at all. He was a little warm and his head was a little fuzzy and he almost fell down the stairs and everything’s so _freaking funny right now_ \- but no. He is _not_ drunk.

At least that’s what he told himself as he walked through Mats and Benni’s house and arrived at the dining room just in time for his so called fabulous speech, with his tie half tied around his neck and the now empty bottle of champagne _still_ in his hand.

“And there he is! Mario you’re here just in time, please do indulge us with your toast. Mario Götze everyone!” Erik, the little shit, was already taking his phone out to record the whole thing as he introduced Mario. _Oh, this one’s gonna be great_ , he thought to himself as he laughed along with his boyfriend, André, Ann and Thomas.

Mario flipped them of as he made his way to the center of the room, taking a deep breath and closing his eyes for a moment, _here goes nothing_.

“Okay, so, I _am_ the best man. Me. Not you Erik, or André- no, me. And it is _not_ _only_ because I give the _best_ speeches- which, I totally do, but this is not about me and it’s not because of that. But,” he raised a finger, as if to tell everyone to wait for it, “but because I’m Mats bestes of friends. Like, for real, he’s like my brother. I love you, man,” he emphasized his words by looking at Mats and making a heart-shape with his hands.

“Alright, so the truth is that when Mats told me he was proposing to Benni, all I said was: _about fucking time_. Really, that’s exactly what I said, isn’t that right, Mats?” he stopped to look at Mats who could only nod, barely containing his laughter. “Because, I mean, literally _everyone_ saw _that_ one coming, didn’t we guys? Yeah. And it was great! Because you guys make the cutest fucking couple and you never fight! Can you believe that? They _never fight_! And, I mean, I get that _Mats_ doesn’t want to fight Benni on anything cause he is- I tell you, he is an angel sent from heaven. I’m actually kinda sorry he ended up with Mats, but, you know, being gay and everything, sometimes you just have to settle,” he shrugs and by now everyone in the room is either horrified or about to die of laugher. “and _I_ would now that, cause I’m super gay _and_ single- by choice, of course, but um, what was I- oh yeah. Mats is a pain in the ass. For real, it’s unbearable, and in high school- oh god high school. He was _the_ biggest douchebags of them all! It was unbelievable! We used to call him- well _I_ used to call him Asshole, that was my nickname for him- that or slut- but that’s _my_ nickname now so… yeah,” he looked around a bit, seeing his friend’s red faces and chuckling.

“Okay, so, the thing is that, as I said before, I love Mats- _and_ Benni, of course. But Benni’s always been a sweetheart so,” he shrugged. “and well, Mats, apart from being there from me always, has shown me that people can change. I mean, he is, in essence, still the same Mats but a _slightly_ better version of himself, and that’s all thanks to Benni, so thank you.

“I know they’re gonna make each other the happiest people on earth- they already do, and I’m extremely happy for them. Really. TO MATS AND BENNI!” He raised his bottle and attempted to clink it with the glass of the old man closest to him but didn’t measure his force that well and broke it.

“Aw, shit man, I’m so sorry.”

And while everyone else in the room shook their heads, Erik, Julian, Ann, Thomas and André were having the time of their lives.

“Oh, this is going straight to YouTube,” Erik mumbled smirking.

“I think it’s been the best so far,” his boyfriend nodded thoughtfully, and beside them Ann was trying to catch her breath.

“I can’t wait for the wedding.”


	2. "It actually says twenty-five?"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Ann, that’s thirteen different penises in one vagina!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hellooo! Ok, so, I just wanted to thank everyone who read the first chapter and hope that you all enjoy this one!

“ _You’re such an asshole, Marco!_ ”

Erik raised an eyebrow at Mario, giving him his best ‘am I missing something?’ look, but Mario could only shrug.

“I honestly have no idea what’s going on over there. It happens almost everyday- wait, this is the best part,” he motioned for everyone to be quiet and slightly leaned his head towards the door.

“ _Oh c’mon… uh-_ ”

“ _Alex?_ ”

“ _Alex! Yeah! Totally knew it. Um… what was I…_ ”

“ _You were about to apologize._ ”

“ _I was? Oh, okay. I’m sorry for giving you the best sex of your life?_ ”

Then came an undignified scream and something was thrown at someone – probably this Marco guy – and then a door slamming closed.

 _Yes_ , this was part of Mario’s morning routine.

“Holy shit,” Julian giggled beside his boyfriend, to which he got a nauseatingly adoring look from the later.

“You’re telling me this happens _every_ day?”

“I think he likes to rest on Thursdays, though.”

Mario walked over to the kitchen and occupied himself opening a box and organizing its contents into place. This whole moving thing was annoying as fuck as it was, having to move his entire freaking house wasn’t a fun thing, but on top of that he had to listen to his douchebag neighbor’s one-night-stands yelling and throwing things every fucking morning. Honestly, Mario was really starting to consider having a word or two with this asshole.

“Hey, what’s this?”

He heard Erik but didn’t look up from the coffee pot he was currently examining as he hummed a reply.

“Oh my god, Mario.”

Now Julian was laughing and that made him slightly weary.

“You’ve got a subscription to _Cosmopolitan_?” and now the pair of idiots were rolling round of his couch laughing and making fun of _him_.

He groaned and walked over to them, snatching his precious magazine and setting it neatly on the table. “Shut up, you two. Cosmo is a really manly magazine and-”

“You call it _Cosmo_?”

 _Here we go again_.

“You know what, fuck you guys,” he said indignantly, “I don’t give a fuck about your opinion anyway.”

He went back to opening boxes but could hear Erik and Julian giggling to themselves, _immature brats_.

A few minutes passed and Mario had gone to his soon-to-be room so he could take the boxes labeled with ‘mari’s roooomm <3’ (thanks, Benni.) there and he _swears_ he wasn’t gone for more than a minute, but when he came back he had the pleasure of witnessing the pair of idiots pretty much dry humping on his couch.

“You guys are _unbelievable_!” he all but screeched as he grabbed the back of Erik’s shirt and yanked him away from a flushed Julian. “You know the golden rule…” he trailed of waiting for them to finish for him.

Erik sighed and looked over at his boyfriend before rolling his eyes and speaking, “Sex _anywhere_ but on the couch,” they both muttered in unition like two grounded kids and Mario smirked.

“See? Not that hard. Now get up and help me, I didn’t bring you here to mock my magazine choice and unchristen my house.”

 

x

 

Two hours later they were pretty much done, turns out Erik and Jules _did_ make a pretty good job when they didn’t have their tongues up each other’s throats.

“Hey Mar, you’ve go something to drink?” Julian asked from where he was staking books in Mario’s newly obtained bookshelf.

Mario looked around and frowned when he couldn’t remember which box had the glasses.

“Um… just grab that water bottle on the coffee table.”

He did as told and quickly uncapped it before taking a sip of it, promptly spiting it out all over the carpet as soon as he tasted it.

“Mario, what the fuck?”

But Mario could just stare, mouth agape, at the mess that Julian had left on the floor. That carpet was new.

“Julian, what the fuck did you do?”

He looked at Mario with wide eyes, an exasperated look on his face and his arms flailing widely. “It’s vodka! Who the fuck- Mario it’s barely noon!”

Mario, still staring at his ruined carpet, could only mutter a quick “It’s actually 10:30.”

 

x

 

The first thing he did when he entered the club was look for his friends. (Well, actually, the first thing he did was wink at the bartender but then he searched for his friends.) He found them on the furthest table to the right, where he knew Benni liked to sit and was positively disappointed when his greeting was, _again_ , “Mari! So glad you made it!”

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

“Benni, honestly, this is your – pretty crappy, might I add – but it’s still your bachelor’s party. There is _no way_ I wasn’t going to show up. Mainly because I organized it, but also because I _am_ your _best man_ …” he said the last part slowly, as if he was talking to a child.

Everyone laughed at Mario’s antics but he just shrugged it off and did a few shots. He was _definitely_ going to need them.

“So,” he cleared his throat, getting everyone’s attention, “I suggest we play a game.”

He got a bunch of confused stares as a response.

“A game Mario? How old are we, ten?” Mats chuckled.

“Your mom’s ten,” Mario snapped right back to which Mats could only roll his eyes.

“Okay then, let’s hear your amazing game.”

Mario rubbed his hands together and smirked.

“Alright, here’s how it works. Each of us have to grab a piece of paper and write down the number of men or woman or whatever we’ve been with, then we’ll mix it and each will pick one, say the number out loud and guess who’s is. If you get it wrong, shot.”

Everyone looked alarmingly unimpressed at the choice of game but did as told, hastily writing their respective numbers before folding the papers and pilling them in the center of the table.

“Okay Mats, you go.”

Mats narrowed his eyes at Mario but clutched one of the papers and took a deep, exaggerated breath before reveling the number, “eight.”

He looked around the group of friends and his eyes fell on Erik, an immediate smirk appearing on his face. The younger flushed wildly and looked at his boyfriend, who was giving him an incredulous look.

“I thought it was five,” Julian said accusingly, arms wrapped over his chest and eyebrows raised.

“Well, uh, you know how I was in high school, Jule,” he smiled apologetically while scratching the back of his neck.

“You guys have been together since high school, though,” Mats pointed out, a shit-eating grin plastered to his face.

Erik just glared.

“Shut up, Mats. It was obviously before we were together.”

“We’ve been dating since Junior year.”

“Sophomore year was a wild year for me, ok?”

Everyone around them bursted out laughing. Well, everyone except for Julian who looked everything but amused with his boyfriend and Erik who was quietly murmuring apologies to him.

“Alright, Erik you’re up,” Mario urged the younger boy.

Erik glanced Julian’s way one more time before quickly taking a paper and opening it, a smirk much like Mats’s making it’s way to his face.

“Oh, this is great. Mats, you filthy slut, I got yours.” He turned the paper around so everyone could read the hastily scrawled ‘11’.

Mats just shrugged with an easy smile on his face.

“At least Benni knows about it,” to which Mario had to mumble a quiet “Roasted."

“Whatever, whore. Benni you go.”

Benni took a piece of paper and opened it, brown furrowing as he read the number. He leaned towards Mats, probably to ask for help but was quickly stopped by Mario.

“Ah, ah, ah. That’s cheating.”

Benni rolled his eyes and let everyone see the number before voicing his guess.

“I’m going with… André?”

“Fuck no, man, I’ve gotten lucky plenty of times.”

He received a collective groan for that one.

“It’s mine,” Julian mumbled from his place in Erik’s legs.

“WHAT?!” Erik’s eyes widened considerably as he stared gaping at his boyfriend, “FIVE? I thought it was three!”

“Oh, shut up Erik, the beginning of Junior year was wild for me, ok?” Julian deadpanned without missing a bit and this time Mario couldn’t hold it in.

“Owh ROEASTED!”

Everyone had a laugh and Benni did the shot. Soon almost everyone had gotten their paper picked. Turns out André was a fucking liar and his number was 7, while Thomas’s was a foreseeable 6 and Benni impressed everyone with a 9. Now only Mario and Ann were missing.

It was Thomas’s turn so he grabbed the paper and read the number out loud, everyone’s eyes widening.

“Ann?” he asked tentatively.

She shrugged and smirked.

“Holy shit, Ann! _Thirteen_?!” André said what everyone was thinking.

“Oh, so what?”

“Ann, that’s thirteen different penises in one vagina!” Thank you, Thomas.

She pulled a face, “It’s not like they were all in there at the same time.”

Mario quickly snatched the last paper before anyone could put much thought into it and figure out that is was his. He opened it, the big ‘24’ practically glaring at him before he quickly ripped it in half, throwing what he hopped was the 2 away because let’s face it, no one will believe _that_.

“Oh! Wow, look at that!” he laughed nervously, “four! I drew myself, okay, game over. Who wants shots?” he was practically out of his seat before Mats gripped his arm and forced him back down.

“I think you lost _this_ ,” he said, the shit-eating grin back on his face as he handed him the other half of the paper.

“It’s twenty-four.”

Catcalls could be heard all around the table and when Ann-Kathrin just smirked at him Mario let out a defeated sigh.

“Fine, I admit it. I’m at twenty-four. The national average is twenty. It’s bad. And look at this, there’s even a whole article in Cosmo about it,” he hastily took out his phone and passed it around so everyone could see. “I think the annoying lady in the train was right. It’s high.”

“Apparently in America, 96% of men who have been with twenty-five or more lovers can’t find a wife,” Erik read out loud, a huge grin on his face. “Well, I mean, you were never getting a wife anyway so I don’t see the problem.”

Mario could only process a few things at the time, though, so he didn’t have the brain power to think of something snarky to snap back at Erik.

“It actually says twenty-five?”

“Oh, please, who did the “study” anyways? The scientists at Cosmopolitan?” Ann scoffed, and Mario sort of wanted to defend his magazine but he figured it would be counterproductive.

“Actually…” Julian mumbled, reading over his boyfriend’s shoulder, “it was conducted by some doctor at Harvard.”

Mario’s head fell in his hands and he slumped against the seat.

“It makes sense, though. If you’re too sexually available your self-steam lowers and next thing you know, you’re forty-five, no husband and no muscle in your ass.”

Everyone turned to look at André but he just shrugged.

Mario took a deep breath and straightened up.

“Well, that’s not happening to me. Fuck no. Harvard says the limit is twenty-five and I’m at twenty-four so that gives me one more chance. The next guy I’ll sleep with will be my husband.”

He stopped for a second, making eye contact with all of his friends before, clearing his throat, “I’m gonna make a proclamation,” he raised the first glass he could find and everyone followed suit, “okay, I am not going to sleep with one more guy until I am sure he’s _the one_. I may not have control over much but I do have control over my ass, so the next guy who vacations at _casa esperanza_ is going to be my husband.”

Everyone around gave nods of approval and Mario stood up.

“To taking control of my own destiny!”

He downed the shot and welcomed the slight burn as it went down his throat.

 

x

 

“To not being too sexually available and high self-steam!”

 

x

 

“TO TWENTY-FIVE!”

The whole club cheered along as Mario danced around on everyone’s table, drunk out of his fucking mind.

 

x

 

Mario groaned and moaned as soon as he opened his eyes, shutting them instantly. He took a few minutes to grasp at his surroundings and thanked the Lord when he saw he was in his own house, in his own bed, alon-

He felt something moving and quickly turned around, his eyes widening as soon as he saw Mario Gomez, his ex-boss, naked beside him.

He laid down and breathed deeply, flashes of himself old and alone making way into his brain.

“Fuck.”


End file.
